Magician
A
magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would
be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he
started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look,
it’s not the same hat.”
“Look,
he is hiding the flowers under
the table.” The
magician was furious but couldn’t
do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One
day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the
parrot, of course. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said:
“OK, I give up. Where's the boat?”
Lippy Parrot
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky, witch”. The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky, you ugly girl.” Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man. The man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee witch, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don’t have to see that disgustingly face of yours any more!” Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy idiot.”
***
A
wealthy businessman was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him
for a couple of dollars for dinner. The businessman took out his
wallet, extracted two dollars and a
sked,
“If I gave you this money, would you buy some Whisky with it
instead?”
“No, of course not. I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Would you use it to gamble with instead of buying food?”
“No, I never gamble” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Would you spend the money on a golf course instead of food?”
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf for 20 years!”
“Well,” continued the businessman, “I’ve decided not to give you the two dollars after all. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I’m pretty dirty, and I probably smell bad too.” “Don’t worry about that,” replied the businessman. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up Whisky, gambling and golf.”
***
LADY (in theatre): Pardon me, sir, does my hat bother you?
GENTLEMAN (behind): No, but it bothers my wife. She wants one like it.
***
“God! I left my wallet under the pillow. What shall I do?”
“Your maid is an honest woman, isn't she?” “But she will give it to my wife!”
***
TEACHER: What do you know about the Dead Sea?
PUPIL: Dead? I didn't even know it was ill.
***
DINER: Waiter! Will my hamburger be long? (TIME)
WAITER: No. It will be round and flat, sir. (SIZE)
***
PASSENGER: Guard! How long will the next train be? (TIME)
GUARD: About six carriages, sir. (LENGTH)
***
What is the longest word in the English language?
‘Smiles’. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!